By Nury Vittachi
Some years ago, a senior police officer told me that (with some exceptions) criminals have the exactly same holidays as ordinary people. They dislike working on bank holidays or the Buddha's birthday or over Christmas and the like, so cops see a significant fall in the crime rate.
It certainly seems to be true this year. "Dumb criminal" reports are normally the steadiest stream of reader contributions that fill this column, but there hasn't been a single one this week.
So let me start by saying a big THANK YOU to all the villains whose idiotic antics have filled this column over the year. Enjoy a few days off so you can entertain us in the New Year by accidentally breaking into your local police sleeping quarters or whatever.
Christmas has become this columnist's favourite holiday. And I am NOT showing religious bias here. My father was a Muslim and my mother a Buddhist, but when it came to December, we all became fervent Christians, even our Imam. You give folk a choice between going to work as normal, or celebrating a holiday with the themes of love, families, gifts and food and suddenly we are all into Santa Claus, even the New Atheists, the scariest belief group of all.
But before fundamentalists from any faith burn down my house, let me make it clear that I believe all major codes of belief deserve respect, INCLUDING the silly ones. Most faiths contain wonderful elements which are exclusive to them -- I love Hindu candles, Muslim snacks, and Christian hymns et al.
But it must be said that not all traditions are suitable for everyone. Someone once took me to a Hare Krishna meeting where people sang the same song over and over interminably, reminding me of the greatest cultural tragedy of modern times -- the week in 2006 they launched High School Musical.
Anyway, since criminals are having a bit of rest, and I have a humor column to fill, here are my favorite winter holiday jokes. I've chosen the silly ones, so you can share them with children.
1) Q: What nationality is Santa Claus? A: North Polish.
2) Q: What do you call an elf who lives in (insert name of your nearest rich district)? A: Welfy.
3) Q: What goes "Oh oh oh"? A: Santa walking backwards.
4) Q: What did Mrs Claus say to Santa when she looked out of the window? A: "Looks like rain, dear."
5) Q: What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas? A: "It's Christmas, Eve."
6) One-liner: My wife said she didn't mind what gift I got her as long as it had diamonds in it. So I bought her a pack of cards.
7) Q: Why don't penguins fly? A: Because they're too short to get into pilot training programmes.
8) Q: What did the teenage candle say to the mommy candle? A: "I am also going out tonight."
9) Q: Why is Christmas like working in an office? A: You do all the work, but the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
10) My sister's new boyfriend is like Santa Claus. He gives her presents, but many people think he doesn't exist.
And as a bonus, here's my favourite winter holiday joke this year: What did one snowman say to the other? "Can you smell carrot?"
Happy holidays.
(Nury Vittachi is an Asia-based frequent traveller. Send ideas and comments via his Facebook page)
